Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.