Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

Life is a zero sum game.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."