Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.