In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.