There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.

That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.