Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?