Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.