If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.