If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.