You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

You never see a smiling runner.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.