You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.