The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.
George CarlinYou get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
George CarlinI hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
George CarlinWe will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
George CarlinLenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.
George CarlinMy mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. "You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits." And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.
George Carlin