The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.

For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.