I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.