I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

Life is tough, then you die.