I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.