I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.

If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.