If anyone e-mails you something "by George Carlin," there's a 99 percent chance I did not write it. I didn't write "Paradox Of Our Time." I didn't write "George Carlin On Aging." I didn't write a eulogy for my wife after she died. I didn't write the New Orleans thing. I didn't write "I Am A Bad American." None of them. You know what I've decided to do? I'm going to get a little cheap put-it-together-yourself website called NotMe.com.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.