Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.

For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.

If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.