My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?