There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.