Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.