Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

I'm thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.

I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.