As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.