I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.