I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

"No comment" is a comment.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

Life is a series of dogs.