Jesus was a cross-dresser.

Hooray for most things!

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try.

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows; there's just nothing special about their content.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.