Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! I hope I'll be safe at home!

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.