Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?