Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

It's harder to be funny from the position of power.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.