Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

I never took reds or Quaaludes to balance out the coke. So when it got to be four in the morning and the gram was three quarters gone, I'd start wishing it was nine o'clock and hoping the guy got up early. But, of course, he didn't sleep either, so there was no sweat. During all those years, I was always looking forward to the next snort or the next guy I could score from.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.