I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?