Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.