There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.