One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.