Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Life is not that complicated.

It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

I don`t understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and keeps score and who throws you in a burning pit. I think that's very limiting, very antihuman. It's the way they devised for helping to control people because if they can make you believe in an invisible man who's going to hurt you later, they can make you believe anything!

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.