Politics is the diversion of trivial men who, when they succeed at it, become important in the eyes of more trivial men.

Like everybody else, when I don't know what else to do, I seem to go in for catching colds.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

I drink to make other people interesting.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

The notion that as a man grows older his illusions leave him is not quite true. What is true is that his early illusions are supplanted by new, and to him, equally convincing illusions.

I know many married men, I even know a few happily married men, but I don't know one who wouldn't fall down the first open coal hole running after the first pretty girl who gave him a wink.