George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

I can never do nothing in this house!

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.