If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.