If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.