If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.