If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.