I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.