A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.