I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.