I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'