I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.