I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn't bother having me killed.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.