One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.