I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.