I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!

If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”