I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.