I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.