I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.