I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.