The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.