You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.