You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.