I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.