I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!