There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher