I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.