I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.